It was during my 12 years in life when I first step to the heart of my country, the Metro Manila. I was a very small boy during that time not knowing what life awaits me in this complicated place. I was traveling all by myself all the way from Zamboanga del Norte, a province in Mindanao via a ferry. I've got my stuffs together with me. The three-day travel makes me think of some adjustments I need to undergo entering a new place for me. It was my first time actually riding a ship with a phobia in my mind because of those news regarding ship accidents in the middle of the ocean. Well, at least I have my self confident that God is with me and He is always there for me whatever happens. Beside my deck, there is a Muslim family who talk which I don't understand. They were trying to talk with me but unfortunately were having miscommunication so I rather coped up with the environment telling and motivating myself "I can do it!" I've got my phone fully charged before leaving. Nothing I could do but to look into my phone, browse everything just to entertain myself. I sent a message to my father for updates what place am I for he was the one who will fetch me. I was also worrying during that time because my cellphone battery would not lasts for three days and there it is, after the second day it was drained. Anxiety embraced me, thinking of things that if there is a way to contact the one who will pick me at the arrivals. In the third day after breakfast, there's a voice I heard that were just an hour away to Manila. There goes my excitement with the whole ignorance of me. Then the ship released a sound signal telling us that were already in Manila. I saw those people going down and carrying their things down and still I have no contact with my father. I went down and looked every faces of people in the arrival station but none of them got my familiarity. I've waited there for almost 3 hours until my father came. How could an innocent, dependent and self-insufficient boy successfully arrived at the pier at around ten o'clock in the morning. What an experience.
1. The narration was done quite well because it was focused on only one particular event. Though the narrated event may be considered as an ordinary experience, you were able to sustain my interest in reading your story. Good job!
ReplyDelete2. Be consistent in the tense/s of the verbs you used. The shifting from present tense to past tense of the verb(s) in some parts of the text could have been avoided as this slightly affects the comprehensibility of the text.
Rating:
a. Introduction - 4
b. Content - 14
c. Conclusion - 4
d. Diction - 4
e. Coherence - 4
f. Spelling - 4
g. Mechanics and grammar - 7
h. Legibility - 3
Total: 44/60
1. This is a good recall of a past even. There is a very clear and logical flow of details.
ReplyDelete2. Most of the sentences show good grammatical structure. However, to improve your writing, you can avoid repetitions such as:
> Then the ship released a sound signal telling us that were already in Manila.
- Then the ship released a sound telling us . . .
> I saw those people going down and carrying their things down and still I have no contact with my father.
- I saw people going down with their things and I still had no contact with my father.
3. To make your sentences clearer you can also rephrase a sentence in this manner:
> The three-day travel makes me think of some adjustments I need to undergo entering a new place for me.
- The three-day travel makes me think of the adjustments I need to make since the place is new to me.
> Beside my deck,. . .
- Beside me on the deck, . . .
Rating:
a. Introduction - 4
b. Content -15
c. Conclusion - 3
d. Coherence - 4
e. Diction - 3
f. Spelling - 4
g. Grammar and Mechanics - 7
h. Legibility - 2
Total - 42/60
I'm sorry for the last font style and background color, it's merely disgusting to the eye. I accidentally changed the color then the internet connection suddenly disconnected. Aww, that's why I've got a low legibility rate. But that's okay, I gotta make it sure by next time. By the way, I've already changed it's style and background with the best of my effort. hahaha
ReplyDelete---- DYEY. U